Not A Good Idea
by isobeljones2000
Summary: What it's definitely not a good idea to do in the Wizards vs Aliens world, unless you have a death sentence - or worse. Accepting ideas to write about!
1. Bad Idea List

**Not A Good Idea - Idea List**

 _A/N) In this story, I will be writing what happens when you commit any of these WvA related crimes, and what will most probably happen as a result. If you have any ideas for it, please leave them in the comments and I will add them to the list! I hope you enjoy reading this very silly story (because I need some craziness to write right now)_

1) It's not good to tell Lexi she takes herself too seriously.

2) It's even worse to tell Varg he takes himself too seriously.

3) Giving Jathro crisps will only give him yet another craving for them.

4) Do not 'accidentally' call Moon a goblin. It will not end well.

5) Don't rig Varg's form filter to make him look like Darth Vader (even if it would be pretty funny)

6) Or Lexi's form filter to make her look like Britney Spears (even if that would be even funnier)

7) And especially not Jathro's form filter to make him look like a giant walking crisp (even if that would be hilarious)

8) Definitely don't rig the Nekross communication system to make them all sound like chipmunks. Or Smurfs.

9) And definitely definitely don't rig their radio to play Nyan Cat (insert here equally annoying song)

10) Don't tell Lexi that Varg is secretly a romantic (especially if she dies laughing)

11) Ursula is not a wicked witch (even if she does have a cauldron)

12) Reminding Tom of what happened the last few times he tried to get a girlfriend is mean.

13) Telling Lexi's she's a daddy's girl will get you shot.

14) And trying to buy wedding presents for Varg is practically impossible!

15) Ditto Christmas cards.

16) Ditto Father's Day cards.

17) Prank calling the Zarantulus = BIG no-no! Especially if Varg picks up the call.

18) Never point out to Varg that his little sister is taller than him. (Guest)


	2. Lexi's Too Serious

**1) It's not a good idea to tell Lexi she takes herself too seriously.**

"Y'know, Lexi, do you ever think..."

Lexi takes advantage of the silence to add in one of the 'jokes' she's been learning about in her research. Apparently they're a popular part of human culture, and a way to make other people happy. She might as well try it out on the boy wizard, since he's probably going to have his magic extracted in the next two minutes anyway. "Yes, I do occasionally think, it's quite a good thing to get into the habit of doing if you're clever, like me. Though it's quite difficult if you have no brain, like my brother." The Nekross princess beamed at Tom, pleased with her 'joke'.

The blank look that he gives her makes her pout. "You don't get it?"

"Get it?" Tom asks, his mouth dry, staring down the barrel of the rather large ray gun pointed directly at him with a beaming Nekross princess at the end.

"That was a joke. I've been learning all about them this week," Lexi says, looking worried. "I heard they were supposed to make people laugh. It's an effective ice breaker, and it's also a way to make friends."

"Normally people don't laugh at jokes at gunpoint," comments Tom. "Or at bad jokes, come to that."

"But you were supposed to laugh," says Lexi almost petulantly. "That's what people do at jokes. I've read about it." A pause as she scrutinizes him critically. "Maybe you haven't read the joke rulebook."

"Well, that answers my question," mutters Tom under his breath.

"What was your question?" Lexi inquires.

"I was just going to say, do you ever think you take yourself too seriously?" Tom asks seriously. "Because some people think you do."

"Who?" Lexi asks immediately. "I've been joking with people all morning. Well - Varg, anyway. You're the first person with a sense of humour that I've met all day."

To her surprise, Tom laughs suddenly. "What?!" demands Lexi.

"That was funny," Tom explains. "Well - funnyish, anyway. Funny by your standards. And you take yourself way too seriously anyway, so that's a pretty low standard."

"But I don't take myself too seriously," defends Lexi.

"Yes you do."

"I don't! I'm not very serious, not by my family's standards, anyway," the young Nekross princess says ruefully.

Tom suddenly sees a glimmer of hope at the end of a very dark tunnel. "If you want to learn how to take yourself less seriously," he says slowly. "I have plenty of joke books at home."

Lexi's eyes light up. "Really?"

"Uh huh," Tom says, hopeful now that maybe he won't have his magic extracted today.

And that was how Lexi, Princess of Nekron, returned to her ship a few hours later, clutching her precious cargo of a pile of joke books to her armoured chest, having completely forgotten that she was supposed to be hunting down Tom Clarke. Sometimes it's best not to take yourself too seriously after all.

Though I'm not sure the other Nekross would agree.


	3. Varg's Far Too Serious

**2) It's even worse to tell Varg he takes himself too seriously.**

"I will obliterate you, halfling!"

"Yeah," Tom agreed somewhat unexpectedly, as he stared down yet another ray gun, this time wielded by an angry-looking Varg - though really, when didn't Varg look angry?

Varg evidently wasn't sure what his reply was supposed to be to that. "I will!" he threatened loudly, waving the gun for emphasis. That usually did the trick.

"Yeah," Tom repeated vaguely, seeming somewhat distracted. "You probably will."

The alien prince faltered a second time. "You will be blasted into atoms and your matter destroyed," he explained.

"Yeah," repeated Tom a third time, putting a hand over his mouth briefly.

 _Did he just yawn?_

"Do you ever think you just take yourself too seriously?" Tom asked unexpectedly. "Y'know, we've been going at this whole charade for over a year now, and you've never once obliterated me, or blasted me into atoms, or anything. I think I would have noticed, anyway. You threaten to, but it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you already take yourself far too seriously."

Varg growled. "Are you insulting me, halfling?"

"See?" Tom said, who seemed to be getting into his rather distracted stride. "You always take life too seriously. Everything's an insult or a threat to you."

"You are very irritating. Stop talking," ordered Varg. "I shall obliterate you."

"Yeah, you say that, then I'll run away and you'll never get around to it," reasoned Tom.

"You are willing to test this "theory" you have?" Varg asked.

"Yeah. Well -" Tom seemed to reconsider quickly. "No. You never know, you might actually shoot this time. And you might not actually miss."

"I do not take myself too seriously," insisted Varg. "Prepare to die."

"Yes you do. Even that statement is proof that you do."

"I do not."

"Yes you do."

"I do _not!"_ At this last accented word, Varg actually fired his ray gun, which dissipated into blue nothingness against the wall.

"Oh! You actually shot this time!" Tom said in surprise. "I thought you never would." Then, as Varg shot again, he ducked down behind a crate and out of sight, his mutter barely audible. "You still take yourself way too seriously though."

Benny Sherwood popped up from behind the crate he had been sheltering behind, wincing as a gunshot ricocheted off the wall a few inches from his head. "Don't worry, Varg. Tom tells me I take life too seriously all the time. You kind of get used to it."

An infuriated roar from Varg was all he got in reply. It was difficult to tell whether he had heard or not.

Tom shrugged sadly. "Ah well. We tried."


	4. Jathro's Crisp Obsession

**3) Giving Jathro crisps will only give him yet another craving for them.**

"So, if we move the ship beyond its normal parameters, just for these next few minutes -" Lexi plans on the screen, her eyes meeting her listening brother's as she types Nekross into the keyboard.

Jathro looks up from across the Flight Deck from where he is methodically typing, his eyes suddenly bright. "You have crisps?"

"What?" Lexi asks in confusion, turning to glare at the technician, who interrupted her speech. And Lexi hates anyone interrupting her speech.

Usually he would falter and apologise profusely at this point, but Jathro's eyes are slightly glazed over as he smiles dreamily at the two royals. "You said crisp!" he says happily.

"No, I - didn't," Lexi says slowly.

"You said, let's move the crisp," Jathro repeats. Then his eyes sharpen. "Where are you moving the crisp? I need to find it!"

"I said _ship,"_ Lexi sighs. "Ship. Not crisp."

"Crisp?" Jathro inquires again, evidently hearing the word and latching onto it, leech-like.

"One track mind..." murmurs Varg irritantly. "Continue, sister. The technician is evidently delirious."

"Oh no - tell me you didn't Jathro," Lexi sighs, ignoring her brother's warnings. "That's the third time this rotation you've crept down to Earth in search of these 'crisps'."

Jathro frowns briefly. "Crisps gone," he said sadly. "I ate crisps and now there are no more crisps."

"Get used to it," Lexi says harshly. "It's called starvation of a race."

"Just forget about these human creations that seem to occupy your thoughts, Technician," Varg advised unusually softly for him. Then his expression hardened and he raised his voice. "And get back to work!"

Dropping his head, Jathro complies, sadly going back to his keyboard and continuing to type silently. What he was doing, no one quite knew, but it never normally mattered anyway.

Lexi turns back to her own computer, where Varg rolls his eyes. "Continue, sister, without being interrupted by the rambles of the lower rankings."

Lexi nods. No more distractions. "So, if we can move the ship just a further 6.728 metres around the moon, we can reach optimum -"

"You have crisps?" the technician pipes up once again, seemingly unaware that they had just gone through that whole charade already.

"I said ship! Ship, Jathro, not crisp!"

"Crisps? You have crisps?"

"And this is why we don't send inferior technicians to Earth, sister," Varg muttered to Lexi, once she had yelled at the technician once again and furiously dismissed him. Jathro had happily wandered off, probably in search of more crisps. "They just get influenced by human objects that serve no apparent purpose to us."

Even Lexi was beginning to think Varg was right.


End file.
